Blog Post #25 – Something is missing

Today, I was able to do a lot – cleaned the house, managed my finances, watched my favorite show as of the moment and listened to good music. I feel like I am very productive but still there is something missing. Would this be my weekends for the rest of my life? Or maybe I am just overthinking.

I feel like there should be something else that I should be doing. I just do not know what. Maybe handling that specific task that I am so fed-up made me want to think things through. It made me ask myself, ” what do I really want to do?”.

I have been doing a specific process since 2015 in different industries. I am getting bored of it and I feel like I am no longer growing but it does pay the bills. It is where I get promoted. It is just that I am not liking what I am doing right now. It’s frustrating. Yet, I do not know what to do.

I tried enrolling to MBA but then the school suddenly had an issue and I feel like my effort and resources will be wasted if I get attached to that institution so I quit right before starting the classes. I do not even feel a thing about the cancellation though. It’s like, I badly wanted it at the start but I felt meh when we decided to cut our losses.

I just don’t know what to do. I really feel like there is something missing….

Blog Post #12 – One big decision

WARNING! Rumblings ahead.

Napaka-surreal ng pakiramdam. Hanggang ngayon parang di pa rin ako makapaniwala na talagang tinuloy ko ang pag-alis sa Shell – my home for four years. I have my personal reasons and aspirations for deciding to do so. Sadyang hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Saan ko kinuha ang tapang? 😊 Sa totoo lang, three years in the making ang decision na ito. Sadyang noong mga nakaraan na taon ay walang nag-materialize and siguro gaya nga ng sabi ng isa ko ring kaibigan sa work, “Hindi pa handa ang puso ko na umalis.”. Four years is a lot. Andaming memories, learnings at escalations na rin pero masaya.

I just never thought na magiging ganito pala ang pakiramdam pag totoo na ang pag-alis. Halo-halo. Masaya at excited para sa bagong environment, bagong mga makikilala, bagong matututunan, career progression, financial growth. Malungkot at nasesepanx dahil mahihiwalay ako sa mga taong naging malaking bahagi ng buhay ko for four years. Mga taong araw-araw kong kasama na kumain, magmeeting, magtrabaho, maggala during weekends/holidays. Pero sabi nga nila, “People come and go” at “Friendship does not end even if you are not together all the time”. I ought to keep my relationships with them. Sila pa ba? Hindi ako magiging ganito ka-strong if hindi ko sila na-meet at naging pamilya.

I’ve been spending my 9 free days at home – sleeping and running errands. Admittedly, napakahirap palang magbago ng body clock. Maybe because nasanay na rin ako sa ganitong setup. I sleep late (usually at dawn or morning) and I wake up late in the afternoon. Perks ng flexitime pero kakayanin because my new work requires to have a strict time in and time out plus the fact na malayo-layo ang kailangan kong i-commute. Sana mapangatawanan ko ito.

 “Decisions are required to be made and once you’ve made it, there’s no turning back whatever the results may be.”

Bakit ako nagsusulat ngayon? Ano ang ipinupunto ko? Ito yun.

I’ve made this big decision of moving out from my family away from home for four years and risk joining a new organization despite my fear of uncertainty. I’ve made a lot of considerations in weighing whether to push through with this or not and here I am thinking if I really made the right decision. I know that partly this is because I am recalling all the happy memories that I have with the team, the comfort that I have had – nakasanayan ko ito ee plus the comfort of proximity sa lugar at sa partner in life ko that I am forgetting all the reasons why I decided to push through with the change. More reasonable part of my brain, please work na! Habang papalapit yung araw na magsisimula ako sa bago kong work, kinakabahan ako at parang ang dami-dami kong naiisip. Kahit pilitin ko na kumalma and to find reason para masabing non-sense yung mga kinakatakutan ko, I really can’t help but think. Siguro ganito talaga kapag overthinker. I just can’t talk to anyone right now about this. I have to be on my own in dealing with this pero sana malagpasan ko. I’m positive that I will since I’ll be starting na rin naman sa new work in a few days. I just hope that I will still be in one piece after.

Thanks for reading!

Have you ever had the same experience? What did you do? 🙂

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